If You Don't Enjoy Watching American Idol, You're Watching it Wrong

Over the years, my friends have made fun of me for how much I enjoy watching American Idol. I remember walking across my college campus, voting on my phone over and over, trying not to trip. I've drug my family to three American Idol concerts. I've gotten shaky and red from yelling at the judges and stayed up voting every five minutes until the polls closed (both of those stories are about season 10's Haley Reinhart, duh).  I still stalk many contestants on Twitter and was suddenly so sickly and pale upon meeting Casey Abrams at one of his recent concerts that this noir filter is the only way I can look at this photo of us.

It makes me really sad when people think I'm really sad for getting so into American Idol, because I know that they would love it all too if they just knew how to watch it. The first thing that people have to understand before watching American Idol is simple: 

this show is the worst. 

Huh? I'll get to that later. First, here are the rules you must follow in order to properly and pleasurably watch American Idol:

Rule #1: Take the contestants as seriously as they deserve to be taken, plus one. 

Friends who either don't watch the show at all or watch five minutes in passing often say, "these people can't sing" or "they suck." Incorrect. Unless you're a William Hung, no one who makes it to the Hollywood round sucks. They are either mildly talented, talented, or very talented. Accept that. 

Also remember that despite the fact that this show is the worst, the contestants are real people. They were thrown into a strange situation, but almost none of them have been doing showbiz their whole lives. They worked at movie theaters and were college students and baristas. I'm sure Jena Irene and I have peed in the same bathroom at the Novi Mall. Take them as seriously as they deserve to be taken considering they were that person who got the last soft pretzel ahead of you in line yesterday. 

Jessica Muse knows American Idol is just a less bloody Hunger Games

Which brings me to that "plus one." Have you ever been nervous for a work presentation or interview? Imagine millions are watching and judging and it's being filmed. I would crap myself and turn into a puddle of crap on the floor. I'm not saying none of the contestants are annoying (BECAUSE MANY ARE), or that the show doesn't turn some of them into egotistical monsters (BECAUSE IT CAN), and if you want to hate them as the weeks progress, indulge in that! But don't write contestants off out of cynicism after a first or even second impression. Give 'em a chance.

Rule #2: Don't watch Idol thinking purely about fame.

A lot of people hate on Idol because many of the contestants aren't famous after the show ends. They aren't in your face in commercials and on your radio, so they're failures, right? Remember, you don't have to be famous to make a living with your music, and being famous doesn't automatically mean that you're good. Anyone who has ever liked an indie band and then scoffs at how un-famous many post Idols are is a total hypocrite. 

I know I've already mentioned Haley and Casey in this blog but I'm just TRYING TO PROVE A POINT! 

Many past Idols are still working and making good music and doing fun projects, and the show was a catalyst for that. If you don't believe me, look them up.

Rule #3: Take the judges as seriously as they deserve to be taken, minus ten. 

Worst panel ever.

Sometimes the judges give terrible advice. Sometimes they give great advice. Sometimes it's very clear who their favorites are. Sometimes it's clear they weren't really listening and are just saying whatever the producers want them to say. Sometimes they give great advice one week and non-advice the next week (J-Lo, I'm looking at you). Sometimes they go on and on and on but say absolutely nothing (Randy Jackson).

I'll never forget when Simon Cowell apologized to Katherine McPhee in season 5 for one of his critiques, saying that it sounded different when he watched it back. That moment made me take him more seriously. I also remember how mean he was to Jennifer Hudson and how successful her career has become, which reminds me he's an ass.

The minus ten comes into play when you think about why the judges are there. Is it because it's a fun gig and they enjoy helping emerging singers, or are they trying to promote themselves in some way? Are they just there for the pay check and think we don't notice? We notice. 

Part of watching this show properly is taking the judges as seriously as they deserve to be taken, not blindly agreeing with whatever they say or hating them when they speak the truth. Love them or loathe them, the judges start a conversation, and your reaction to that is all just part of the pathos that is American Idol.

Rule #4: Don't take the production seriously at all, minus a thousand. 

Okay, now I'm really getting into why this show is the worst. American Idol is all about money. Money money money and advertising and money and cheap culture and money and pandering and money and cheesy musical cues and money and they don't ever try to hide it, ever. Instead of having past contestants perform on result shows, they promote Rio 2. When they do bring in old contestants, unless there is some type of deal with Interscope, they can't perform original songs. The producers pick contestants who are mildly talented but have the right look, or contestants who are mildly talented that have the right sob story. They manipulate our emotions with musical cues. They play the same clips over and over to eat time. Most of the show is commercial breaks, and when it's actually on, it's a constant commercial for Ford and/or Coca-Cola. They are constantly and desperately trying to turn everything into a hashtag. It is consumerism at its worst, everything about America that is wrong.

I thought for a minute last year that they were gonna bring classy to American Idol (how could I have ever thought that?) They showed videos of the judges from back in the day and seemed to be giving the show more of a personal feel, but the producers just couldn't help themselves. They just had to make terrible choices, like this one.

I forget what they were celebrating, but it was something important, like the 1,000th show or something, and they blasted the song "Selfie" and then took a million selfies. Please, just don't.

When you see real talent go up against a whorish production, it's impossible not to scream at the TV and mute it and ask yourself serious, existential questions about your life and how you spend your time. JUST GO WITH IT. Hating the show and hating yourself for watching the show is all part of loving the show.

Rule #5: Accept that Ryan Seacrest is basically claymation in human form.

Ryan Seacrest as a child. YOU KNOW HE HAS BAGGAGE.

If you watch the show with anything else in mind about Ryan Seacrest, you may find American Idol difficult to watch. He's little and happy and energetic and on every show on every channel. He's irritating and endearing at the same time. All I really wanna say about Ryan Seacrest is that I have nothing against him, and I honestly feel a certain amount of warmth and concern for him. I know he's super successful, but I worry about those types of people the most. He must be really anal and OCD, don't you think? And why did he feel like he had to show off his girlfriend to everyone last year on the show? Like what is he needing to prove? Remember when Terry Hatcher was on Oprah and she said that she went on a date with him and all these paparazzi suddenly showed up and he was like, "let's kiss for the cameras" and then he never called her again? Sometimes while I'm watching Idol I just imagine what might go on in one of Ryan Seacrest's therapy sessions, and it really distracts me from the contestants. 

Rule #6: Read the Blogs

I don't really know how I watched this show before I read the blogs, because reading the blogs is the best part. You need to find bloggers who love the show as much as they hate the show, and you will be all set for a fun season. I would tell you to read Annie Barrett, who used to write for Entertainment Weekly, but I don't know if she'll be recapping on her own this year. Some of her brilliant similes made me laugh way too hard. (Erika Van Pelt sounds like an "overachieving ghost"). You can't say you're a fan of Idol and not know about TVLine.com's Michael Slezak, who also does a weekly recap vlog with Melinda Doolittle.  His vlogs used to be these hilarious half hour productions that were better than the actual show by a mile. They are shorter now, but still worth watching. Many just watch his vlogs and don't actually watch Idol at all, which I kind of get. 

Just find bloggers you like, and stick with them all season. Trust me, it's fun. 

Rule #7: Give in every now and then

While the show's emotional manipulation is extremely annoying, every now and then, if you get "the goosies" in spite of yourself, just let it happen. I'll never forget when my little sister, who only watched Idol with me in passing and made fun of it, sat and sobbed on the couch during Phil Phillip's victory song. He starts crying and can't finish the song and just doesn't care and then he walks off stage and hugs his family. Like, you guys.

Rule #7 brings me to this: why even watch Idol at all? Because it's the Cinderella story.  You don't matter or you're struggling, and then suddenly, you're being appreciated and seen, and your dreams are coming true. I don't care who you are or where you come from; the Cinderella thing is your dream. It's everyone's dream.

Also, and maybe more importantly, American Idol should be watched because, much like a football game, it doesn't matter. Life is heavy and unfair and chaotic and doesn't make any sense. (We are on a ball floating in SPACE!) But the rules of Idol are simple: everyone tries, and the person who the most people like gets the title. What the contestants do after the show really matters more-- you could be Carrie Underwood or Taylor Hicks. Rule #1 applies for after Idol too.

Personally, I like getting excited about dumb shit that doesn't matter that a lot of other people are talking about. Human beings need to feel emotions, and I'd rather channel my hope and rage through a singing show than have panic attacks because all the countries everywhere are bombing each other and horrible things are happening on our home turf. I would rather burn off the stress of my day by living vicariously through the successes and failures of others and go to sleep knowing that no matter how annoying this judge was or how that person should have won instead of that person, that it's all good, and you know, it's not like anyone's dead. 

You could definitely criticize this point, and people have. Ever hear that "more people vote for American Idol than the president" line? Is this show part of what distracts us from what's really going on as the rich get richer and injustices happen under our noses? I mean, it's possible, but like, just drink the Kool-Aid. When in Rome.

So, unless you're one of those weirdos who doesn't watch TV, instead of flipping past American Idol this season, keep in mind the rules I just provided and then try watching Idol again. Be sure to check back on this blog too, where I will be loving and hating on the show in equal measure. You may just have the time of your life.