Brigette Watches Dance Moms. What even is this show?

I've been watching Dance Moms for a few years, and I've got so much to say about it that it overwhelms me. What was once a reality show/documentary about stage moms in Pittsburg has turned into a crazy-ass-Disney-child-star-launching-circus-what-the-hell-am-I-watching fiesta. I'm not going to say that these kids are being abused or that their childhoods are being stolen. I have no idea what a "perfect" childhood even looks like or what circumstances create a well-rounded person. But I do have things to say. It's possible, but not certain, that I will answer the following questions: 1) who is actually crazy on this show? 2) should we be worried about any of these girls? 3) what is real in this show, and what is real in all of our lives?

Here we go.

The Crazy Mom Edit of it All

Every episode, stream of episodes, or season, there's a crazy mom. Who the crazy mom is at any given time shifts, and the fact that your feelings towards the moms change is not by accident; it's all about the edit. So as a viewer, it's hard to attach yourself to any one perspective, and without a clear perspective, how do you know what "really" happened in any given situation they find themselves in?

Back when Christy was around, I assumed she was a voice I could trust, but then she diss-Tweeted  Maddie in "Chandelier" and completely destroyed her credibility in my eyes. Holly used to be the most sane, together, and drama-free, but she's getting the crazy-edit this season, making seemingly unnecessary speeches about how she won't be silenced and screaming "how DARE you" at Abby in every dressing room. What's shocking me is that I'm actually finding Kendall's mom to be the most likable. Again, I know this isn't an accident. "Voice of reason" is just Jill's purpose right now. Maybe the producers will find another purpose for her next season, and I'll think she's nuts again like I did when we first met her.

Are the moms complacent in the crazy-edit because they have no choice? Before Christi and Kelly left, they always said, "I'm here because my daughters want to dance!" but in their own Twitters, they'd say it was because of the contract with Lifteime. So either the moms are being "forced" to say certain things in their talking heads, or they're acting from time to time, or the environment is making them legit crazy.  My guess? It's all three!

Most Shady Mom

Kalani's mom, Kira, hands down. Credit card fraud? She like, stole someone's identity. Okay.

The Maddie Ziegler of it All

I'M FLYING

I must say, I never really understood what the big deal was about Maddie until "Chandelier." I thought her dances were all the same, but "Chandelier" kind of made me lose my shit. I mean, I watched that dang thing a million times, and I still don't get sick of it. It tells a story that you don't quite get, and it makes you emotionally exhausted, but you don't even completely know what you're feeling. (Except I do know during that part in the living room, I feel like I'm flying.) So now I get what the big deal about Maddie is.

(side note: what music video has been as famous as "Chandelier" in the past 15 years? It's "Dick in a Box," right? Nothing else comes to mind, does it?)

I find it annoying how Abby takes complete credit for Maddie. It's not like Abby's doing awesome "Chandelier"-esque choreography herself. I think Maddie is just a good dancer, and a different teacher could have gotten the same out of her, to be honest.

Should we worry about Maddie? I just don't know if she has anyone in her life telling her that she doesn't have to be perfect. I don't know if she feels unconditional love from anyone. I'm not saying she doesn't; I'm just saying I don't know. I haven't really seen evidence to the contrary from watching the show.

One moment that struck me came during an episode where Maddie called Abby from a Sia rehearsal. Maddie seemed upset that her Mom wasn't there and annoyed that she had to call Abby. When they hung up, Abby said "I love you" and Maddie said "love you too," so casually, like they said it all the time. Many may find this sweet, but I found it a little disturbing. There's just a lack of boundaries. Abby's like, "nothing's personal. You're all replaceable. This is a business. Except you. I love you. You're like the daughter I never had. I see you as an extension of myself. I'm your manager though, so I'm in charge of when and how you work. Also you're 12."

Just listen to how Abby talks to Maddie about the other girls right in front of them and try not to be uncomfortable.

I don't know though, I mean, a new thing that's been happening is that all the girls say "I love you" to Abby. I'm seriously wondering if this is something they all agreed to do so that Abby would look softer. Like, I'm wondering if there was a meeting about it.

We love you, Miss Hannigan!

Anyway, I'm a little afraid that Maddie, or any of these girls actually, could someday self-destruct a la Black Swan, but I hope I'm wrong. I hope they have a lot of support and a solid sense of self-worth (as much as 12 year olds can have anyway). I do I feel like their confidence overall is on the rise. None of the girls seem as fragile as they did even a year ago. Kendall doesn't get a rash anymore when Abby yells at her. Are they getting better at faking everything and being "good celebrities," or are they genuinely having fun, enjoying their fame and opportunities? I guess we'll know in ten years!

They all seem super healthy and vocal here, yeah? Why don't we ever see *these* girls on the show?

Most Admirable Child

Lately, I find myself really impressed with Nia, not because she's an underdog, but because of how articulate and confident she's become. She "talks back" to Abby in a way that isn't like talking back. She's respectful, fair, her voice doesn't shake, and she handles Abby better than any adult has ever has. It makes sense that this terrifies Abby, because Nia is basically smarter than her now. Nia Sioux for president.

The Abby Lee Miller of it All

Is Abby crazy? Obviously yes, but the real question is HOW crazy? (Remember when she stuffed her dead dog?) Recently, they did a series of episodes where they went to LA., and Abby was unprepared, in way over her head. There was a sequence where she talked to herself in her car while binge-eating candy and fast food. She also looked like she rolled out of bed at one of the competitions. I couldn't help but wonder if some of this was staged. I feel like Abby holds Lifetime in the palm of her hands. There are certain things that she says and does that don't air (like the last fight with Christy was because Abby made fun of Chole's skin problem, which we didn't see. Wait though, that's according to Christy. What's real?!) So it's weird that Abby would have allowed the documentation of this meltdown, but maybe it happened.

Baby Abby

Most people really hate Abby, but I don't. Sometimes, her point of view makes sense to me. This doesn't mean I think she's a good person. I think she wishes she were bffs with Donald Trump (as evidenced by the way she pronounces "huge"-- UGE) and anyone who idolizes him is kind of evil. But the thing about Abby is that she honestly fascinates me, and it's hard to hate a character who fascinates you.

I want to know about Abby's childhood and her relationship with her parents (her mom seemed so much sweeter than her, which confused me). I want to know who hurt her in her life to make her so unforgiving and at times just nasty. I feel like Abby is a deeply lonely person. I don't even know if she has any real friends. I feel like all the "friends" of hers we see are business associates, and the relationships are always conditional. I want to know why she used to be cute and then got so huge and why sometimes she's less huge and then she's huge again. I want to see inside her BRAIN.

I also desperately want to give Abby a copy of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, because she needs to read it more than any person in the whole world. Of course the book would probably terrify her, and if she took it to heart, she may die, since she's basically all ego, but seriously, not an episode goes by where I don't think "Abby, you need to read Daring Greatly right now."

Beating a Dead Horse: The Kelly Hyland of it All

Kelly when she danced for Abby

So I know Kelly left a while ago, but I gotta talk about her. When the show started, she was one of the most likable, but towards the end, she seemed WAY crazy, like unstable, like she needed to be committed. When Paige started having panic attacks at the studio, I couldn't help but feel like it was because Kelly modeled the behavior. Is it possible she was getting the crazy edit, or was all that way too intense to be from editing?

I know the producers played up the Abby/Kelly feud quite a bit, but I'm actually surprised that they didn't do more, since there was like 30 years of back story that I would have been more than happy to listen to. During one of the "confession shows," Kelly said she loved Abby as much as she hated her, but then fast forward a year or two and Kelly sues Abby for emotionally abusing Paige. Where'd the love go? I feel like there's a lot of truth never shown with that whole thing, and we'll never know what it is. Damn.

The Singing Thing. What the Hell.

So now everyone sings? It started with Brooke, then Brooke left, and Abby decided Mackenzie was going to be a singer, and now Nia is singing, and so is Kendall. Do you guys remember how The Brady Bunch did a singing thing and ended up going on tour? I mean, I wasn't alive when that happened, but I watched the E! True Hollywood story and read Barry Williams's book, and I feel like that qualifies me enough to say that it was weird, and that's what this reminds me of. A few years ago, these were normal little midwestern girls going to dance competitions, and now they're all being groomed to be Hannah Montanas.

This is kinda adorable though.

There are so many music videos. You don't see them on the show, but they exist. All the girls did a song with Toddrick Hall. Kendall has a music video, which I can actually picture on MTV. Nia recently preformed LIVE in Australia. And let us not forget Mackenzie's rise to the kiddy pop charts. (I like how whenever Abby mentions that Mackenzie is #1 on iTunes, she doesn't specify the category.)

I think all these girls do have good voices, but I can't really tell how good because there's so much manufacturing and electronic manipulation going on. I find that to be irritating, because I think of all the sound mixers making money off them, and also because the girls are already on a show that's at least partially fabricated, and now their "singing careers" are too. I don't know, but it's weird. It's just weird.

(Speaking of weird, did you guys know there's an Instagram account that consists of Dance Moms fan fiction? I'm not gonna find it for you and post it here, but I saw it once and it's real, okay?)

The Ghost of Dance Moms

I just want to say a side note about Dance Mom's Miami, which aired a few years ago following a studio ran by Victor Smalley and Angel Armas. The moms on this show were insane too, but Victor and Angel weren't. They were encouraging and fun, and the kids clearly felt empowered with them. The show had a totally different vibe, much more supportive and warm. It was cancelled.

One of the stars on that show, Lucas, ended up dancing for Cathy this season. I wondered how he felt about leaving Miami for a crazy lady in Ohio. Recently, him and his mom stormed away, and Lucas screamed about how Candy Apples was stupid. It sure is compared to what he's used to. This was a dance from Victor and Angel's studio before Lucas left, and just watch the whole thing because you will CRY.

The more genuine Dance Moms Miami didn't make it, and the plasticy Dance Moms thrived, and it's our own faults for watching, and it's my own fault for writing this, too.

What Dance Moms Has Given Me

I'm not kidding, I think it's made me better at confrontation. I just gotta make sure I don't go too crazy with this and start calling people bitches or looking up their police records on my phone as they sit right next to me.

What I Want to Get Into But Am Not Even Going To

Cathy and Vivi. Like, this whole dynamic is too good. They're complete opposites, and I think they're both surprised and horrified that they belong to each other. I might steal it and use it in a book or something. I'm not kidding.

What's real in this show and in our own lives?

I don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that the kids work. They are working all the time. More than most adults work. Is that okay?

Believe me when I say this this post of mine is showing great restraint. I could go on forever, but I'll stop myself. How are you guys feeling about Dance Moms? Any thoughts on certain characters or how crazy everyone's life has become or what this show even is?

Have a great day, everybody!